


Where do we go now?

by fullcat



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 03:55:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20521538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullcat/pseuds/fullcat
Summary: Felix is a boy who struggles to find himself. He has a lots of doubt in his head. About his life, past, future. He is just scared to live his life to the fullest. But once he moves in Korea, where he will study journalism in Korea's National University, he decides to just go for it and experience things he was always scared to touch, feel or be. What happens there when he meets mysterious boy, with a dark vibe around him? He gets curious. Who is that guy in the black hoodie? Will Felix be able to break out of his shell?





	1. Introduction

The night before I left for Korea I had dinner with this strange man, who was actually my teacher at the college. Each time, I felt unsure whether I liked him. He indeed wasn't someone you would want to have dinner with on your last day at home. Nor that I planned to. He was actually the one who invited me for dinner. So there I was, sitting in front of him, in some fancy restaurant and had no idea how to start a conversation. If you'd ask me silence isn't a bad choice of words either, but of course he had to break the ice.

\- Felix, - He inhaled deeply and made me freeze on my spot. - You don't take opportunities coming your way. I've been your teacher for a long time now and I know.

\- I'm afraid I have no idea what you are trying to say, Sir.- I hardly swallowed my Italian pasta, almost choking on it.

\- You gotta live son. - He made this little gesture with his head as if he was giving me an approval and looked into my eyes. - Be brave. When you will be in Korea, take all the opportunities. Don't wait for them. Be brave. - He repeat last two words again and continued to eat his pasta, which no longer looked delicious to me. 

That night I was quiet than usual because I couldn't understand why this old man felt the need to tell me things I never asked for. Was it a good sign? Should I be angry? Do I come off as a fool to people around me? Am I living at all? Or am I just breathing? 

These were the questions I always asked myself. I never felt like I was living. The fact that this teacher could see beyond me, scared me. I'm not a good liar after all. Maybe I could change? Maybe going to Korea wasn't a bad idea after all. I might not know everything about life and I haven't figured out the 'right' ways to fully experience it, but I know for a fact, that I need to find myself. Is just me or is it genuinely hard to know who you really are? That's why past 18 years, I hid in my own bubble and apparently it wasn't so hard for people to notice. 

*** 

Two days after my dinner with my weird teacher I was in Korea buzzing about my new university life. It's true that teacher's words left me hanging in some ways, but I was trying not to think about it too much. I was already used to being that way. Breathing and not living. Always afraid of new chapters. I still get surprised that starting university in Korea isn't just my imagination and I'm really doing it. I'll take it as a first step that will lead me to the new path. Though I don't know what I'm expecting or waiting for but at least I got that mindset that I want to fully experience things and find myself. Step by step, maybe? 

My house is an hour and a half minutes away from my university (I know it because I already went there yesterday to learn the way), so this gives me an extra time to tell you a little bit about myself. I'm Lee Felix and I got accepted in Seoul National University to study communication and journalism. Why this field? I don't have an exact answer to that question but I feel like everything involving communication will help me to break down my shells. Am I excited about it? As much as an introvert person can be. I have to admit that being a student in general gives me a huge responsibility that i didn't know I could feel. Why is that? Is that because i don't want to disappoint myself or is it the ones around me I'm afraid to fail? Am I happy right now? How can I be so unsure all the time? Is it just me? 

Few days ago I found that post on tumblr that was about a person who was overthinking so much that they could overthink their overthinking. Does that make sense? At some point, for me it does. So if my life was a movie and I had to choose a name, it would definitely go something like that: "Overthinking my overthinking." That describes me just about right. I was busy fulfilling my life-movie name, when I spotted huge crowd at the University entrance and I froze. It's starts right now. I'm going to introduce myself to strangers in a new way or I could still be the old Felix. As soon as i stepped in, the heat started to rush all over my body. All I see is people in groups, some of them are couples, some of them look like they already made friends and that's when reality hits me. I have to do that too. 

\- "All you have to do is say hi." - I'm comforting myself and looking for the best place to start making friends. My classroom sounds about right, so I'm headed there first. I don't want to be a kid stepping in the room first and waiting alone for a professor to come in, so I stopped in front of a window, where people are gathered as well. Another wave of thoughts hit me as I had no idea when to start the conversation. I felt anger growing into me. I wanted to punch myself in the face, but that wasn't a solution and it will never be. I stood there for a minute or two, before I heard some kid throwing English words from time to time and it sparkled a hope in me. So there is someone who can speak English (not that I don't speak Korean, I'm not that bad). It means that I could become comfortable with someone. 

\- I actually like your hoodie, mate. - I said in the most awkward way possible and scratched the back of my head. But he flashed the brightest smile towards me, so I felt better. 

\- Thanks, mate. - He punched my arm lightly. - It's from vetements. 

\- I know, I'd only dream to have money for that. - I laughed slightly and put my hand out. - I'm Felix, nice to meet you. 

\- Hi, hello, Felix. I'm Chris - He told me and raised his eyebrows to make a point. - I assume you are an Aussie too, right? 

\- That's about right. - I smiled and felt better than ever. Man, was I proud of myself for hitting the jackpot with this new friend. - What's your field? 

\- I'm in department of music composition. Yours? - He asked politely and looked around for a bit. \- You have an honor to be standing in front of a future journalist. - I said and noticed that group of boys where heading towards Chris. 

\- Chan, are you coming? - Yelled a boy in a black hoodie from afar, not bothering to look my way and waited for Chris (who he called Chan), to join them.

\- That's great. And yeah you will soon have an honor to meet my very annoying friends. See you after classes, mate. - And he left, leaving me with wondering feeling. Who are his friends?


	2. Discovery

It’s 2 p.m in Korea and I feel the need to sleep already. I can’t even end my first day without thinking of being tired. I’m believing that it slowly is becoming my natural habit. Eat, sleep, overthink, repeat. When I was about 15 years old, my mom took me to Psychologist because I was unable to concentrate. Imagine my scared and confused face, when they told me that I had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I was sure I was dying. After about two or three visits my therapist finally convinced me that what we were doing was actually for me to ‘become better.’ Her words didn’t necessarily made me feel best about myself but I was convinced to continue my therapies. Now that I’m in absolutely different Country far from all the memories and places I felt most comfortable in, I feel all my old symptoms coming back to me. But the good thing about ADHD is that you learn to live with it, unless you completely lose control at yourself. For now, I felt safe and I knew I was fine. Instead of listening to Professor who tried his very best to make himself look the smartest in front of us I was thinking about Chris. For the first time being in Korea, I was excited about something.   
I have to know your skills. - Professor’s woke me up from my daydreaming. - For the next week, you have to bring me an interview, an essay or anything that will give me an idea about your writing techniques. You are dismissed. - He said in a very low tone and raised his eyebrows gesturing for us to get up and leave.  
I once heard that your brain is the source of the problems you face in your life. Simple because it’s where the problems are created in the first place. Homework seemed like the worst thing that could have happened to me today, on the very first day of University, but here’s the solution - you either do it, or you don’t. Stressing about it won’t help me resolve anything. So I chose not to think about it and just to write something when the time came. For now I was headed to the Department of Music, where I believed I could find Chris. As Soon as I went outside, the sun broke freely above the sky. Its light was shining warmly down my face and I stopped for a minute to feel the heat. All the noise disappeared and I went back all those years ago when I was still a 15 years old young boy. Standing eyes closed under the Seoul’s sky returns me in the Castle Hill station where we would take the train all the way from school to home. I could still see his face. I could still feel myself trembling when I saw the wind tousling his hair in a way it made him even more beautiful. I remember this moment of realization. My pulse sped up to the point where I felt dizzy knowing that my life would depend on this very second. I liked HIM. I felt shame and fear. It made me want to disappear, cry, scream and again, punch myself. Later on that day I did in fact punched myself, even pulled my hair maybe. Constant feeling of guilt and self-loathing made it impossible for me to live or love. This dark phase of hating me for who I am is something I don’t want to remember right now, because I’m finally starting to accept and find myself...   
\- Felix, Felix, Felix.. - Someone’s loud screaming brought me back to reality that I no longer knew was there. I looked back, it was Chris. - For the past 5 minutes I’ve been calling your name, on my way down here someone even told me ‘I’ll be Felix for you just shut up already.’ - He joked and patted my back. - What were you thinking about?  
\- Nothing, just the memories. Missing home already. How did you find me? I was on my way to see you actually. - I said quickly to change the topic so he wouldn’t ask me about the reason behind my daydreaming.  
\- Woah, slow down, bro. I already forgot what you asked. Anyways, what’s your plans for tonight?  
\- Don’t have any. - I shrugged.  
\- We are meeting at Changbin’s, there’s little get to know each other party to celebrate the first day of University, will you come?  
\- Who is he? Text me the address and I’ll do my best to be there. - I told him and we exchanged phone numbers.  
\- Nah, mate. Don’t try your best, just be there and bring anyone you’d like. - He chose to ignore my first question. - Next 4 years we all gonna be stuck together in this journey so we need each other and everyone. - He smiled again making sure that I understood the importance of making friends here.   
\- I don’t actually know anyone here. - I said feeling guilty and waited for his reaction. I hated that I cared about what people thought about me or everything I said.  
\- But you know me. - he laughed, made his way back into the University with me following him behind. - Is it your first ever time in Korea?   
\- Yeah, very much. I’m trying to get used to it. But I love it here so far.   
\- Okay, mate. I have to go back with boys, see you tonight, then? - He said and leaned forward to give me a hug but I stopped him. It’s now or never, I wanted to break down my walls and meet new people.   
\- I’ll come with you, if this won’t bother your friends too much. I have nothing to do anyways.  
\- Sure.   
And here I was, following Chris behind and feeling the different kind of excitement that I have completely forgotten about. It was there, I was looking forward to something. What? I yet had to figure that out.   
\- Tell me more about your friends, what kind of people are they?  
\- At first they might come off as a little bit noisy to you, but you get used to it.  
\- Have you guys know each other for a long time now? I noticed earlier that you looked very comfortable with each other.  
\- It’s about 2 years, maybe. I’m not sure but they are like family now. Three of us are even planning on forming a band or something like that, you know.   
\- So, there’s three of you? The band idea is great, all of you sing or how does it go?  
\- Yeah, me Changbin and Jisung. We compose, sing, rap. Everything that says music, it’s us and it’s for us, I feel that at least. - I was amazed. Taking far longer than minutes to get where the boys were, I heard the sound of my heartbeat. This weird feeling was stuck in me from earlier today, but I couldn’t exactly figure out where it was coming from. Maybe I felt anxious, I was starting a new chapter in my life, after all.   
***  
Chris opened the door that lead us to a big hall, which looked more like a studio, or at least a place where music students loved to meet up. The room was almost empty, I felt like I was in a big theater hall and men behind the stage were about to close the curtains and leave me with this longing feeling to see more. And there I was seeing more. Chris called the friends he mentioned earlier to introduce me. And for the first time after meeting him, he started speaking in Korean.  
\- Boys, meet. This is Felix from Australia and he is a first year student of Journalism.  
\- Hi Felix. I’m Jisung. - Said the boy with the most innocent smile I’ve ever seen and hugged me tightly.  
\- Hi, hello. - I said in a low voice and returned the hug. Then I looked. That black hoodie boy from earlier was standing. This time eyeing me. I lost my focus, struggling to keep an eye contact, I sucked in my breath and said. I was clear and loud:  
\- Hi, you must be Changbin, then. Nice to meet you. - I held out my hand for him to shake it and waited. Did you know that, when we interact with something pleasurable, we got a rush of dopamine in our brain. But if the pleasure of dopamine rush is delayed, it continues to build up until the payoff comes through. This payoff is called emotional chills and this is exactly what I felt when our skins made a contact. My heart pounded in my throat, I thought it might fly out.  
\- Hi, yes. - He was still holding my hand. - Nice to meet you. - He made indifferent shrug and went back to where he came from. Not bothering to look at me again. But I was frozen on my spot, left with the feeling that bothered me so much. I wanted them out of my organism. Completely and utterly removed. I finally looked away and found Chris smiling at me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. I don't even know if anyone is reading my fanfic or if anyone likes it but here I am, back again.   
I know things are developing slowly and it's kinda annoying for me too, but first few chapters are actually very hard to write. i have to build up characters personalities and their stories, before I can write the most interesting parts. Please be patient with me and comment if you like it so far??  
Love, fullcat ♥

**Author's Note:**

> So, I started writing this fanfic today and actually it's my first ever time to try this. I'm little bit scared, but I'm putting my whole heart into it. This chapter was just a introduction of the main character Felix. i don't want you guys to imagine him only as a part of the ship "changlix", but as an individual who has his own journey, struggles, ups and downs. Even tho, this ship is my fave and there's gonna be a lot of it in my fanfic, I still want to make you fall in love with characters first. I'll do my best, please look forward to it and of course don't forget that everything except for the names and faces are fictional. I'm not claiming that ship is real, nor I'm being toxic fan about it. boys can love whoever they want. I'm not assuming their sexuality either. I just love "changlix" so much and they gave me an inspiration to write this fanfic, which I have no idea how will tun out. Thanks and love you ♥  
yours truly, fullcat


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